I realize that my family situation, while not wholly unique, takes quite a bit of explanation for people to understand the complex web of interpersonal connections. For instance, when I say "my kid," I'm really referring to one of my nieces, most likely Yaya, the 8 year old. That's why I love calling myself a "sparent." I'm much more involved than the typical aunt, and that connection must be communicated.
Yaya was abandoned by her mother, my husband's adopted sister, as a baby. My mother-in-law has custody; her father and father's family are not in the picture. I lived with her as a caregiver for five years of her life, until this past fall, when my mother-in-law's divorce went through and she moved several states away. (Other factors in the move were to safeguard my niece from harm from her biological mother, who is -- take my word for it please -- a dangerous person.) From all that, it doesn't sound like I ought to be very involved with her, but I honestly believe she is the daughter I was meant to have. She is not an easy child to love, but I do, unconditionally; and I cannot tell you how excited I am that, with all the time I spent with her intensively, like an older sister might, that she shares my interests in video games and writing. For most of her life, I was her playmate and mentor and comforter and the person she asked the Big Questions. If ever any child possessed a piece of my heart, she has it. Which makes her recent relocation more than a day's drive away difficult to me. We are still trying to work out communication. Texting helps, but I wish I could be there for her in a more concrete and constant way. For both our sakes'.
My husband's younger sister-in-law, also adopted and mother to the 4 year old Ollie and 7 year old Mina, escaped an abusive relationship with Mina's father. Despite going to prison for domestic violence, despite kidnapping the girls at one point -- we live in Texas; and it's damn near impossible to terminate parental rights here. So he has visitation, which keeps him in my sister-in-law's life, unfortunately. The entanglement of two lives who are joined by a child's is impossible to avoid. Because we live in a major metropolitan center, finding a spot in pre-K is difficult, so for now Ollie is at home with April. The child-care costs are prohibitive, hampering April's employment. But she does an amazing job helping around the house and supporting my husband and I in other ways. Oh, should mention -- April and her daughters moved in with us a couple of months ago. Having children and a boyfriend who wouldn't let you have a job put April and her children in a situation where they were going to be homeless, so we opened our doors to them. It is still a new household arrangement, with lots of kinks to work out; but I have faith in everyone involved that, as long as we remember first and foremost our love for each other, that we can work out any problem. So far, it is difficult on finances and there are a hundred small stresses that build up to a heavy load; but at the end of the day, I know what we are doing is right, April helps as much as she can, and I love my younger nieces fiercely. If I am sacrificing, it is to a worthy cause. I know, at the end of the day, they are safe, well-fed, and taken care of. After the kidnapping... well, I am grateful for this new life. It is hard, but so much more preferable to the other. You really do not know fear until you do not know where your kid is.
To wrap up this survey of our tangled little family, there is my father in law, currently engaged to who will become his second wife; my new puppy, Reggie, brought in to our family after a break-in; my two cats, Sam and Peach, and my husband's, Juji, a recent transplant we were fostering. There is, of course, me, Roxy, the writer, whose day job is at a foreign media company, and my husband, Nick, a musician and assistant manager at a well-loved bookstore. A writer and a bookseller, a musician and a media company employee... we compliment each other very well. If there is a lesson beyond the importance of sparenting in a world where 40 percent of children are born out of wedlock, it is that a solid marriage is essential to a harmonious family life. Which is why I believe in gay marriage. If you are able to find a true partner, true love, true passion, someone who will help you through the worst moments of your life and help you achieve your dreams, who can remind you to reach for the stars from the bottom of a deep, dark pit of despair... how could anyone deny you, based on the fact that you both have the same gender? True love is rare, precious, and a good marriage even more so. There should be no barrier to two people achieving this, if it be possible between them. Denying them that -- THAT is the real sin.
Well... I better wrap this up before this tangent becomes six paragraphs comparing the war against gay marriage to the war against interracial marriage...
No comments:
Post a Comment